The Must Have’s I Wish I Didn’t Have

No more HGTV for me

Ugh, it’s Friday.  You know what that means…cleaning day!  Today is the day I curse all the must have’s I had to have when I built my house.

I’m sure if I didn’t watch so much HGTV I wouldn’t have been sucked into the ridiculous “must have” list in the first place.  According to HGTV these are the things you must have if you want to keep up with the Jones and have any resale value in your home.

1. Hardwood floors
2. Stainless steel appliances
3. Granite counter tops
4. At least three bathrooms
5. Separate shower and tub in the master en suite.  Tub being an extra-large soaker or Juccuzi
6. Lots of windows with bright light

So this is what I got sucked into.  Yes I was brain-washed into believing that I would never be happy in my home without these luxuries and if I ever wanted to sell it again I must have these items.  Let me tell you, whoever came up with this list obviously doesn’t do their own cleaning, have a dog, three kids and actually cook in the kitchen.

Let’s take a closer look at the flaws with each one of these items.

1.  Harwood floors:  If you have a dog you will quickly realize that dog hair has an infinite attraction to the hard wood, along with every other morsel of dust.  Crumbs love to hideout in the cracks between boards and really have no desire to ever leave.  Milk loves to join the crumbs in the cracks so it can leave an unmistakable odor for future reference.  I must admit the footprints on the shiny surface do leave an interesting design.  Now to go about cleaning these particular messes is yet another challenge.  First we must vacuum so as not to leave any particles on the floor that may scratch the delicate surface when commence mopping.  Then there is the mopping itself.  The list of products NOT to use on the floor is longer than my arm so usually leaves me with plain water.  However, don’t dare think you can leave the water sitting on the floor for any period of time as it may cause warping or discoloration.  Hence you will see me crawling around the floor with a beach towel making sure I have dried every last spot.  A quicker way to finish this last step is to give the kids the beach towels, have them stand on them and proceed to slide around the floor.  They think they are playing and you get a clean floor. May I ask what was really so wrong with linoleum!

2.  Stainless Steel Appliances:  Don’t even get me started on these.  If I see one more finger print on the fridge I think I will scream!  I have actually been heard yelling at the kids to stay away from the fridge and get your snack from the pantry just to preserve the clean surface a moment longer.  The finger prints wouldn’t be half as bad if you could find a way to clean them without leaving streaks on the dang thing.  If you have a solution to cleaning these stupid appliances please let me know.  Again, who decided white wasn’t cool anymore.

3. Granite Countertops:  Oh my beautiful granite.  How it shines as the sun streams in through the kitchen windows.  Or at least it did six months ago.  Now I find myself searching the internet for products that restore the shine.  And again the darn milk.  Why does everyone have to spill the milk on the cupboard?  Do they realize that it will probably take me a good fifteen minutes to clean it up making sure that the shine is perfect and no streaks are left behind.   Maybe I should instill a new rule that milk can only be poured over the sink.  Another challenge for you…what is the best way to clean granite countertops, besides hiring a maid?

4.  At Least Three Bathrooms:  No need to expand on this, no-one likes cleaning three or four toilets!

5.  Separate shower and tub in the master en suite.  Tub being an extra-large soaker or Juccuzi:  Not like I didn’t have enough to clean with having three bathrooms, but let’s make sure we separate the tub and shower.  Yuck!  As far as an oversized tub goes, I don” know anyone who has arms long enough to reach across that darn thing to clean it.  So here I find myself, taking off my socks, rolling up my pants and hopping in the tub.  I mean this is crazy.  I am standing in my tub with cleaning solution up to my ankles trying to clean a tub I don’t even use.  Why does it get dirty if I don’t use it, I don’t understand that.  Maybe if I tarp it I can keep the dust from collecting in it.  Now that would be great for resale.  Oh well, at least I won’t get athlete’s foot.

6.  Lots of windows with bright light:  This one causes me double the trouble.  First I absolutely hate cleaning windows.  Secondly the “bright light” that you must have highlights all the problems with my other “must have’s.”  The dog hair glows as the light hits it on the hardwood, the countertops don’t shine and the fingerprints on the fridge, well they just like to laugh at me and remind me what an idiot I was to get sucked into spending the extra $200.o0 for stainless steel.

So HGTV here is the new and improved MUST HAVE list for the average family who actually wants to live in their home:

1. Linoleum and carpet (preferably the color of any pets you may have)
2. White appliances (magic eraser keeps them looking like new)
3. Laminate countertops with lots of white streaking in the pattern so you can’t see the milk and glass rings left behind
4. One toilet, one tub and one sink.  If you need more an outhouse and garden hose still works well.
5. Forget the en suite, it takes away from the mood in the bedroom anyway when someone has to go number two before bed
6. Just enough windows to get out in case of a fire.

You gotta love an outhouse.

Really I don’t need much more than that to make me happy, and I could spend my Friday blogging instead of cleaning.  Oops I just did that anyway!