“Sandra you have a call on line one.”
“Hello this is Sandra can I help you?”
“Hi Sandra it’s Dr. Elliot’s calling. I have reviewed all of yours and your husband’s test results and I’m sorry to inform you but you do not qualify for the fertility programs. It would be my suggestion that you and your husband consider adoption because it just does not appear that you will ever be able to conceive and carry a child on your own.”
I didn’t say a word, didn’t ask any questions and didn’t say good-bye. I gently placed the receiver back into the cradle and walked away. It felt like time had come to a stop, there was no movement, there was no noise, there was only me in darkness and silence.
That feeling of helplessness, the dull sick feeling when you realize that you are no longer the one at the reins, overtook me. All my life I had dreamed of being a mother. It was all there in my ten-year plan; Finnish college, get a job, get married, buy a house, start a family. A simple plan laid out in black and white. I wasn’t asking for anything major like trying to become the CEO of a large corporation or a super model, I just wanted to be a mother and have a family. Now I was having to ask for a miracle. My body had betrayed me and in a way that I had no control. You can exercise to stay fit, diet to lose weight, meditate to reduce stress but there is nothing you can do to produce if your body does not want to carry a baby.
I was no longer in the driver’s seat just a passenger who had forgotten to put on her seat belt when the car came to an expected stop, slamming my head into the windshield and being rendered unconscious. There was a blackness, a total nothingness followed by that slow awakening. Awakening into a state of confusion asking myself who am I, where am I? I looked around to see if there was anything I recognized but only saw pieces of an old life with shattered dreams.
It is at these points in our lives when all control is removed from us and we are brought to our knees with helplessness that we have the greatest choice in who we will become. Will I be a victim of my circumstance, bitter and resentful for what I can not have, or will I rise above the circumstances and grow from my experiences. Will I stand alone in the darkness or will I reach out for help. Someone once told me that God never gives you more than you can handle. I told them they were wrong, God gives you more than you can handle so will reach out to him for help. In my moment of helplessness I had a choice, I could curl up and feel sorry for myself or I could get back to my feet, wipe away the tears and the dirt, and start again.
Life is like a poker game, you are dealt a hand and you have to play it. Sometimes it is best to throw your hand in and start again, sometimes you can bluff your way through with the cards you are given and sometimes you will be dealt a royal flush. So having kids wasn’t in the cards for me. I had to reexamine the cards I was given and decide how I would play them. I still had a terrific husband, an amazing job and faith. Those three were enough to keep me in the game.
We are never truly helpless because we always have control over the decisions we make with the cards we are dealt.
(p.s. I got my miracle and have had three beautiful children. Apparently that faith card is the ace in the hole)