Tag Archive | humor

Quote Me…or Not

There is a  quote that I find myself coming back to time and time again.  It isn’t a revolutionary quote, a motivational quote or anything profound, so why do I keep coming back to it?  I wish I knew because maybe then I could stop quoting it.  It is the quote most of us heard in our childhood and possibly you have been caught uttering it yourself.  Following in my mother’s footsteps my favorite quote seems to be…”Because I said so!”

algonquin 024

So many times I swore I would never say those words.  When I had a child I would explain to them why they should or should not do something.  I would listen, negotiate and reason with my kids.  No way was I going to be a dictator that just demanded something from my kids.

Yet here I am with three kids and a long history of repeating my mother’s favorite quote “because I said so!”

“Alex don’t sit on your brother”
“Why?”
“Because I said so!”

“Josh don’t put that up your nose”
“Why?”
“Because I said so!”

I know there are better explanation for why not to engage in these activities such as “ because you will hurt him and if you don’t understand that you will probably end up in jail someday for being a violent sociopath” or “because it won’t come out and you will look like an idiot walking around with an eraser stuck in your nose.”

Some may say it is lazy parenting, taking the easy way out.  I used to say that but too but really it’s just plain survival.  If I answered of every why question my children asked I would become stuck in a never-ending cycle of questions much like being stuck on a spinning merry-go-round holding on for dear life while trying not to lose my lunch.

Don’t eat the dog’s food”
“Why?”
“Because you will get a tummy ache.”
“Why?”
“Because the food is made for dog’s tummies not little boy’s tummies.”
“Why?”
“Because doggies need special food to make them grow up to big and strong.”
“Why?”
“Because doggies bodies are not like people’s bodies”
“Why?”
“Because that is the way God made them.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know maybe he had a bad day with a pain in the neck little kid who wouldn’t stop asking him why!”

So you see quoting my mother with “Because I said so” was actually a gentler approach to child rearing than I could have taken.

I can’t say that I am moved by this quote but I can say that it has kept me sane.  It has probably helped my children develop a much higher self-esteem.  I can’t imagine how scarred they would have been if I had actually said what I thought rather than using my go to quote of “Because I said so.”

Let’s be honest it could be much worse I could have chosen one of my mother’s other favorite lines such as “just wait until your father gets home”, or “your face will freeze that way.”  Really mom, dad never did anything when he came home and at six I thought it would be kind of cool if my face froze into one of those crazy faces I made.

 

Oh Yes I Can!

You can’t have your cake and eat it too.

Please tell me why not.  Why can I not have my cake and eat it too?  Have you ever made a cake to just look at?  I don’t think so.  If I make a cake it is with the full intent to eat it!  I think this is one of the dumbest sayings any one has ever come up with.  So to whoever started the saying you can’t have your cake and eat it too…I say…

“Oh Yes I Can”

Remember, you have no limitations.  You can do whatever you put your mind to.  If you put enough effort into something, why not have it all!

The Curse

by Andy Welsher, Creative Commons

“Tell dad he can’t retire before I graduate high school, that would be embarrassing.”

This is the grand statement my thirteen year old daughter made the other day at the dinner table.  I looked at her with complete confusion, a reaction that has become somewhat normal lately, and asked her where the heck that came from.

“You and dad are like the oldest parents in the school.”

Let me clarify something here.  I am turning 45 this month and my husband is 47.  Not extremely old for being the parents of a thirteen year old not to mention we have a fifteen and eighteen year old.

The only thing I can figure out is that we must have moved to a community that has a serious issue with teen pregnancy, no one in her school is the youngest in their family or no one is this community went to college, got a degree and began a career before they had children.

“Well just relax dad isn’t going to retire before you finish high school, as a matter of fact he will have to work until you finish college if we want to pay for it.  Feel free to start paying for our seniors home once you finish college though.  Obviously we will be too old to look after ourselves by then.”

I marvel at these people who say their children make them feel young.  Maybe they would like to borrow my daughter for a few days.  She can quickly provide them with a reality check.  After a few days with her you will know you are old and for free she will provide you with a few basic rules on aging:

  • Grey hair is not attractive
  • You may not wear any shirt that has the logo of  a “young person’s store”on it
  • Sexy is always inappropriate
  • Never try to dance
  • Don’t sing to the radio
  • You are not funny

Don’t worry my dear daughter, I have put the mother’s curse on you.  The same curse my mom put on me and hers on her.  It is the curse that has been passed on from mother to daughter since the beginning of time:

“I hope your daughter is just like you!”

Have you put the curse on your children yet?  Did your mom put the curse on you?  I know my mom did because I see it in my daughter and my nieces.  All I can say now is “SORRY MOM, I GET IT NOW!”

He’s From Somewhere Further Than Mars

Mars is much to close to Venus for my husband to be from there.  He is from an entirely different Galaxy.

By Raven Vasquez

I happened to remind him that it was mothers day this weekend and kindly inquired if we had any “special” plans for the weekend.  Wow did he come up with some great ones!

  • It’s supposed to be nice we could work in the yard.  You could put the flowers in the side garden if you want”  Oh ya that’s just what I want, to bust my a** in the garden for Mother’s Day.
  • While you’re at the grocery store why don’t you pick up some steaks I can grill.”  Obviously we are not going out for dinner.  Grilling steaks is code for “I’ll sit on the deck with the dog doing a Sudoku puzzle while you cut up the vegetables, make the salad, boil the potatoes and clean up the mess.”
  • Did the kids want to have any friends over this week-end?”  Perfect not only can I look after my kids but I can have the neighborhood kids too so their mom’s can have a quiet relaxing day reading a book.

This was not going in the direction I had hoped so I thought maybe I should help him along.

  • What do you think about picking up a patio set this weekend for the deck?”  His response: “I don’t need one, what we have is good enough.”  When did I mention him in that statement.  It was me I was thinking of and no I don’t NEED it either. However,  it would be nice to have a table so I didn’t have to eat of my lap all the time.

This is when I realized that my husband is an Alien from another galaxy.  He just doesn’t understand women.  (But I love him just the same)

I love him anyway

Please make me jealous and tell me what wonderful surprises your family has in store for you this weekend.  Perhaps I can live vicariously through you!

The Fountain Of Youth Went Dry

The Fountain of Youth

Last year I returned to the work force after almost sixteen years of being a stay at home mom.  I had to be the luckiest woman in the world,  not only did I get to stay home with my kids but when it was time to return to the world of  working professionals I managed to land the dream job for any middle-aged woman.  I found myself going to work every day for two incredible plastic surgeons.  I had found the fountain of youth and it was at my disposal to drink from as I pleased.   I must admit I had to start getting ready for bed fifteen minutes earlier just to finish the process of turning back the clock, but alas the results where amazing. Then the move!  My husband announced that yet again we had to pack up our belongings, tuck away our memories and move on.  Bye, bye job, good-bye botox and juevederm, good-bye expensive face creams, good-bye to the hope of someday having my eyes lifted, tummy-tucked, lipo sucked.  Yes just as fast as I found the fountain of youth, it went dry!

The only way I’m going to get my butt lifted or tummy tucked now is to pull out the old abs of steel and buns of steel videos.  My supply of facial products has long run dry so it’s back to “Oil For Old Ladies” from the local Rite Aid and larger sun glasses to cover the crows feet at the corners of my eyes.  I guess the good news is it doesn’t take me long to get ready for bed anymore.  No that really doesn’t make me feel that much better…I miss my stuff!

Can you believe that fate can hand you such a curve ball.  Here Sandra, take the keys to the kingdom…oops we need to change the locks.  So here I am locked out of the kingdom and living as a servant once again to the family of five.  Cooking, cleaning, laundry, bills, with the only fringe benefit being time to blog.

Some people say moving is one of the most stressful life events people face.  I don’t know about that but I do know in my case it definitely added at least five years to my appearance.

As the saying goes, if it’s too good to be true…

I’ve Just Gotten Freshly Pressed!

I guess I am supposed to be saying thank-you right now to the mysterious Gods of freshly pressed.  I have had the honor of achieving the elusive state of being freshly pressed.  I know I should be excited and grateful, but really I just can’t figure out what everyone gets so excited about.  Nothing in my life has changed.  I am not a better blogger, I have no extra traffic coming to my site, the little orange numbers just don’t seem to be lighting up.  Honestly it is a day just like any other except that I am a little more tired, although I will admit, my husband does look a little more professional.

If truth be told I have always hated pressing clothes.  The number one, most important factor, in picking out new clothes is their wrinkle free factor.  My husband only gets “wrinkle free” shirts and the kids haven’t heard of cotton.  Personally if I wash a shirt that comes out of the laundry wrinkled it usually finds its way into the Goodwill bin.  I have had the same ironing board for twenty-six years and IT came from a yard sale.  My mother is disgusted that I haven’t bought a new one yet.  She reminds me every time she visits that ironing boards really are quite cheap.  It isn’t that I can’t afford it, it’s that I never really use it.  As a matter of fact it took me twenty minutes to find the darn things so I could actually press the suit.  The  iron  itself has pressed more flowers than shirts.

My dislike for ironing probably started when I was a kid.  Somehow I always seemed to be the one who got stuck with the chore of pressing the clothes.  My older sisters managed to score the pool cleaning and grass cutting, enjoying the sun and getting a little exercise while I was stuck in the laundry room with a basket overflowing with wrinkled clothes.  My mom is one of those ironing freaks, everything needed to be ironed.  Who irons T-shirts mom?  The only positive about doing the household pressing was that finally my jeans didn’t have the ridiculous press line running up the front of my leg.  Thank God she wasn’t one of the crazies that required pressed underwear.  Sorry if I have offended anyone, I respect the fact that your underwear are wrinkle free, I am just happy if they are “skid mark” free.

So here I sit today with my husbands clothes freshly pressed for his business trip waiting for the recognition of the blogging world for my remarkable achievement.  I don’t know how long it will be before I will be able to say I’m freshly pressed again so I really should bask in the glory of today.  Like I said earlier, nothing really has changed other than the fact that my husband looked pretty darn good today.  Maybe that is the true reward for being freshly pressed and I should be satisfied with that.

Good luck to my fellow bloggers and I hope some day you too can be freshly pressed.  I hope you find more satisfaction out of it than I did.  If you are feeling a little disappointed or let down, just look to your mate.  Perhaps he will look a little fresher, a little more put together and maybe a little sexier, then you can say…Thank-you Freshly Pressed God’s for making my day!

Please note the photography is black and white to reflect my opinion that ironing is old fashioned.

The Must Have’s I Wish I Didn’t Have

No more HGTV for me

Ugh, it’s Friday.  You know what that means…cleaning day!  Today is the day I curse all the must have’s I had to have when I built my house.

I’m sure if I didn’t watch so much HGTV I wouldn’t have been sucked into the ridiculous “must have” list in the first place.  According to HGTV these are the things you must have if you want to keep up with the Jones and have any resale value in your home.

  1. Hardwood floors
  2. Stainless steel appliances
  3. Granite counter tops
  4. At least three bathrooms
  5. Separate shower and tub in the master en suite.  Tub being an extra-large soaker or Juccuzi
  6. Lots of windows with bright light

So this is what I got sucked into.  Yes I was brain-washed into believing that I would never be happy in my home without these luxuries and if I ever wanted to sell it again I must have these items.  Let me tell you, whoever came up with this list obviously doesn’t do their own cleaning, have a dog, three kids and actually cook in the kitchen.

Let’s take a closer look at the flaws with each one of these items.

1.  Harwood floors:  If you have a dog you will quickly realize that dog hair has an infinite attraction to the hard wood, along with every other morsel of dust.  Crumbs love to hideout in the cracks between boards and really have no desire to ever leave.  Milk loves to join the crumbs in the cracks so it can leave an unmistakable odor for future reference.  I must admit the footprints on the shiny surface do leave an interesting design.  Now to go about cleaning these particular messes is yet another challenge.  First we must vacuum so as not to leave any particles on the floor that may scratch the delicate surface when commence mopping.  Then there is the mopping itself.  The list of products NOT to use on the floor is longer than my arm so usually leaves me with plain water.  However, don’t dare think you can leave the water sitting on the floor for any period of time as it may cause warping or discoloration.  Hence you will see me crawling around the floor with a beach towel making sure I have dried every last spot.  A quicker way to finish this last step is to give the kids the beach towels, have them stand on them and proceed to slide around the floor.  They think they are playing and you get a clean floor. May I ask what was really so wrong with linoleum!

2.  Stainless Steel Appliances:  Don’t even get me started on these.  If I see one more finger print on the fridge I think I will scream!  I have actually been heard yelling at the kids to stay away from the fridge and get your snack from the pantry just to preserve the clean surface a moment longer.  The finger prints wouldn’t be half as bad if you could find a way to clean them without leaving streaks on the dang thing.  If you have a solution to cleaning these stupid appliances please let me know.  Again, who decided white wasn’t cool anymore.

3. Granite Countertops:  Oh my beautiful granite.  How it shines as the sun streams in through the kitchen windows.  Or at least it did six months ago.  Now I find myself searching the internet for products that restore the shine.  And again the darn milk.  Why does everyone have to spill the milk on the cupboard?  Do they realize that it will probably take me a good fifteen minutes to clean it up making sure that the shine is perfect and no streaks are left behind.   Maybe I should instill a new rule that milk can only be poured over the sink.  Another challenge for you…what is the best way to clean granite countertops, besides hiring a maid?

4.  At Least Three Bathrooms:  No need to expand on this, no-one likes cleaning three or four toilets!

5.  Separate shower and tub in the master en suite.  Tub being an extra-large soaker or Juccuzi:  Not like I didn’t have enough to clean with having three bathrooms, but let’s make sure we separate the tub and shower.  Yuck!  As far as an oversized tub goes, I don” know anyone who has arms long enough to reach across that darn thing to clean it.  So here I find myself, taking off my socks, rolling up my pants and hopping in the tub.  I mean this is crazy.  I am standing in my tub with cleaning solution up to my ankles trying to clean a tub I don’t even use.  Why does it get dirty if I don’t use it, I don’t understand that.  Maybe if I tarp it I can keep the dust from collecting in it.  Now that would be great for resale.  Oh well, at least I won’t get athlete’s foot.

6.  Lots of windows with bright lightThis one causes me double the trouble.  First I absolutely hate cleaning windows.  Secondly the “bright light” that you must have highlights all the problems with my other “must have’s.”  The dog hair glows as the light hits it on the hardwood, the countertops don’t shine and the fingerprints on the fridge, well they just like to laugh at me and remind me what an idiot I was to get sucked into spending the extra $200.o0 for stainless steel.

So HGTV here is the new and improved MUST HAVE list for the average family who actually wants to live in their home:

  1. Linoleum and carpet (preferably the color of any pets you may have)
  2. White appliances (magic eraser keeps them looking like new)
  3. Laminate countertops with lots of white streaking in the pattern so you can’t see the milk and glass rings left behind
  4. One toilet, one tub and one sink.  If you need more an outhouse and garden hose still works well.
  5. Forget the en suite, it takes away from the mood in the bedroom anyway when someone has to go number two before bed
  6. Just enough windows to get out in case of a fire.

You gotta love an outhouse.

Really I don’t need much more than that to make me happy, and I could spend my Friday blogging instead of cleaning.  Oops I just did that anyway!

Sticky Notes…Ugh!

Great another “sticky note” strategically placed in the middle of my computer screen.  Yes, the gentle reminder to keep me on track.  Perhaps if I had pretended to accomplish something yesterday (other than shopping) I wouldn’t be greeted by the lovely little yellow note today.

Who invented this stupid “sticky note” program for the computer anyway.  I hate it but my husband seems to think it is the best thing since sliced bread.  Really there is nothing I hate more  than sitting down at my computer and finding yet another little reminder of all the things I need to do.  Haha, got you today.  Instead of doing it you inspired me to write a blog post.  I suppose I should thank you then.  Next time could you at least stick something like, drink coffee, make the bed, shower on the list so I can get some satisfaction out of crossing at least one or two things off the list.

If I delete the “sticky note” do you think it will make all these things go away.  Now that would be a cool invention.  Find me someone who can write a computer program that completes my to do list and I’ll be a happy woman (and they would be a happy, rich person)  Maybe that is what I should be doing with my extra time.   Wait, I don’t actually have extra time, I’m just wasting the time I have.

Now I’m stressed out.  I have all these things to do and I have no idea how I will find the time to do it.  I’m just going to have to go have a coffee and take some time to relax and decompress now.

Did I mention I hate “sticky notes?”