Tag Archive | God

Who Am I?

Have you ever sat and wondered what you were meant  to do?  Thinking to yourself, surely I am meant to do something important, my life has to mean something.  I know I do.  Then I ask myself, am I not trying hard enough?  Am I not using my “talents” to their greatest ability?  Am I missing something?  Because truthfully I don’t see myself as having accomplished very much in my life.

I went to University and got a great education, had the potential to be an amazing nurse, yet chose to stay at home with my kids and not work at all.  What have I done that I will be remembered for?  When I laid my head on the pillow at night I would ask God to talk to me, tell me what it was I was supposed to be doing and I heard nothing.  I assumed I wasn’t listening hard enough or even worse I wasn’t important enough for even God to bother with.

Now I know that I didn’t hear God because he had already told me what I was to do and I had done it.  I was meant to stay at home and be with my kids.  God simply said, stay the course, don’t give up.  Oh several times I tried to steer my ship in a new and more exciting direction, carve my own path, draw my own map and each and every time I was put back on course.  It is only now that I realize you don’t have to effect a multitude of people to be important.  You don’t need to change the world or have your name known by millions, effecting one or two people is enough.

I will never be the next great artist, a Pulitzer prize-winning author, I won’t be the CEO of a major company or a political leader.  I will not save thousands of lives or develop a cure for cancer, I won’t be a professional athlete or famous movie star.  I won’t leave my mark on a very big piece of real-estate when I leave this earth and I will be lucky to fill the first half of the church at my funeral, but there are a few people who my life has made a difference for and that is all that matters.  I may not cure cancer but perhaps my son will, I may not be a great artist but perhaps my encouragement will allow my daughter to be one.  I may not invent a new piece of medical technology but perhaps my other son will.  I may not save the lives of thousands but perhaps one day, someone I spoke to, or encouraged, or merely smiled at when they felt alone, sad or desperate were effected just enough to go on and live another day.

I have stopped asking what great and wonderful thing I am supposed to do with my life.  Instead I thank God for the opportunity to be myself.  I try to remember that my actions speak louder than my words and everything I do and everything I say has the ability to change the life of someone around me.  What an awesome responsibility!

Be the best self you can be everyday!  Perhaps you will write the next great novel or be the hottest blog on the internet, you never know.  What you do know is that each and every day at least one person will hear your words or see your face.  Make sure what you show them is something that you will want to be remembered by and that you DO have an effect on this world.

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It Just Wasn’t In The Cards

“Sandra you have a call on line one.”
“Hello this is Sandra can I help you?”
“Hi Sandra it’s Dr. Elliot’s  calling.  I have reviewed all of yours and your husband’s test results and I’m sorry to inform you but you do not qualify for the fertility programs.  It would be my suggestion that you and your husband consider adoption because it just does not appear that you will ever be able to conceive and carry a child on your own.”

I didn’t say a word, didn’t ask any questions and didn’t say good-bye.  I gently placed the receiver back into the cradle and walked away.  It felt like time had come to a stop, there was no movement, there was no noise, there was only me in darkness and silence.

That feeling of helplessness, the dull sick feeling when you realize that you are no longer the one at the reins, overtook me.  All my life I had dreamed of being a mother.  It was all there in my ten-year plan; Finnish college, get a job, get married, buy a house, start a family. A simple plan laid out in black and white.  I wasn’t asking for anything major like trying to become the CEO of a large corporation or a super model, I just wanted to be a mother and have a family.  Now I was having to ask for a miracle.  My body had betrayed me and in a way that I had no control.  You can exercise to stay fit, diet to lose weight, meditate to reduce stress but there is nothing you can do to produce if your body does not want to carry a baby.

I was no longer in the driver’s seat just a passenger who had forgotten to put on her seat belt when the car came to an expected stop, slamming my head into the windshield and being rendered unconscious.  There was a blackness, a total nothingness followed by that slow awakening.  Awakening into a state of confusion asking myself who am I, where am I?  I looked around to see if there was anything I recognized but only saw pieces of an old life with shattered dreams.

It is at these points in our lives when all control is removed from us and we are brought to our knees with helplessness that we have the greatest choice in who we will become.  Will I be a victim of my circumstance, bitter and resentful for what I can not have, or will I rise above the circumstances and grow from my experiences.  Will I stand alone in the darkness or will I reach out for help.  Someone once told me that God never gives you more than you can handle.  I told them they were wrong, God gives you more than you can handle so will reach out to him for help.  In my moment of helplessness I had a choice, I could curl up and feel sorry for myself or I could get back to my feet, wipe away the tears and the dirt, and start again.

Life is like a poker game, you are dealt a hand and you have to play it.  Sometimes it is best to throw your hand in and start again, sometimes you can bluff your way through with the cards you are given and sometimes you will be dealt a royal flush.  So having kids wasn’t in the cards for me. I had to reexamine the cards I was given and decide how I would play them.  I still had a terrific husband, an amazing job and faith.  Those three were enough to keep me in the game.

We are never truly helpless because we always have control over the decisions we make with the cards we are dealt.

(p.s.  I got my miracle and have had three beautiful children.  Apparently that faith card is the ace in the hole)